Grrrr… the sound of a bear’s growl was heard from the hills. Reports of lost pets and livestock soon circulated nearby settlements. Pastor Lewis wanted to protect his family from this new threat, so he bought some bear traps to place on his property. Soon he caught a bear, and he wasn’t the only one. As the bear population dwindled, a howl began to echo throughout the hills. Wolves were rumored to be on the prowl. Every yard soon had a wolf trap, and the wolves began to disappear. The bear and wolf trap sales started to slow down, so a clever trap maker decided to look into the threat of coyotes and then sold his new traps to every citizen. A short time later, every yard was filled with traps of all shapes and sizes, including traps for foxes, raccoons and opossums. One day Pastor Lewis’s son was playing outside and was accidentally maimed by the old bear trap which his father kept set just in case the bears came back. His son never walked the same again, and the deer soon flooded their yard.

I now know what happens when an unstoppable force is met with an immovable object! They get married and have children.

Disclaimer: I know it’s March, but I only just realized this has been sitting in my Drafts folder.

5. Do They Know It’s Christmas? - Band Aid

Right off the bat, this was the most difficult for me to put on this list.  I loved this song as a kid, and it’s got an all star ensemble to boot, but something hasn’t sat well with me about this song despite its pedigree.  To me, the whole song is undermined by this one line: “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.”  Right.  Or Tucson or Sydney or Miami.  Does snow really make or break Christmas?

4. The Christmas Shoes - New Song

I hate it because it makes me cry.  Too manipulative.

3. Simply Have a Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

This song is an example of when the saccharin tendencies of the cute Beatle are left unchecked or tempered by his former bandmates.  And it’s crazy making.

2. Mary, Did You Know? - Various

Yes, she did.  The whole song can now be 3m 50s shorter.  Seriously though, it’s kinda of a big plot point in the story that she knew what was going on … the angel told her.  That, and it’s a terrible song.

1. Last Christmas - Wham!

Replace the lyrics with any other holiday or day of the year and the song still works… in other words, the only thing that makes this song about Christmas is the insertion of the word “Christmas”.  That and it’s essentially a story about someone who gave up their heart to someone “not special” only to learn that it wasn’t such a good idea. This then evokes imagery of George Michael getting arrested in a public restroom, and suddenly I feel dirty.